The Good the Bad and the Beautiful

It's been a week of contrasts...

A few days ago whilst out on my morning walk with my dog, I offered to help a distressed rider who had slipped off her horse when it lost it's footing as they slowed from a canter to a trot. She was in extreme pain as she'd twisted as she'd slipped off and hurt her back. I felt she needed an ambulance but she insisted she would be OK in the car. So while her friends took her horse back to the stable yard I took her to hospital. I mention this only to draw a contrast with another incident the following day.

Thankfully there was no serious damage, it was just badly bruised. She couldn't thank me enough for helping her, but it was the least I could do and I would hope someone would assist me if I ever needed help.

What I did wasn't anything much really, yet it left me feeling really good for the rest of the day. I don't think I'm alone in experiencing a very gratifying feeling in offering to help someone in difficulty, I'm sure most people do. We don't consciously set out to help for selfish reasons, but there is definitely a reward in being nice to others. Doing something to help, especially without being asked just gives a lovely warm feeling.

The next morning I woke to find my garden shed had been broken into during the night and my son's mountain bike had been stolen. We both felt violated. It wasn't a nice feeling knowing someone had been creeping around in the back garden as we slept. Even though my son hadn't used the bike for a couple of years, it was still a horrible feeling. I imagine the person who stole it felt a similar gratifying feeling and warm glow as he saw the bike and seized it, just as I had felt when I helped a stranger the previous day.

My garden doesn't quite feel right now. It used to be my little private oasis where I would sit out as it was going dusk, glass of wine in hand, listening to the evening birdsong. Now I feel uneasy, my eyes scanning the shadows for intruders.

I don't feel angry, I just feel sad that someone chooses to spend their time sneaking about people's gardens in the dead of night stealing their belongings. There are far better ways of feeling good.

So, that's the good and the bad of life.... and now to something beautiful...

I found this feather whilst out on my walk yesterday. Isn't it striking! A little research leads me to believe it's from a Woodpecker.



I wish I could find more, I could use them in some of my designs. Polka dots are very fashionable!

This morning's walk revealed a four leaf clover nestling in a clump at my feet. I just looked down, and there it was!


It isn't the first time I've chanced upon one. But every time has been just like that... glance down and there it is! The times I've searched and searched I never see one... maybe they find us! :)

Oh What a Beautiful Day

Such a happy day today! The sun is shining, and I managed to forget I was in pain as I drove along singing:

There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
An' it looks like its climbin' clear up to the sky.

Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day,
I've got a wonderful feeling,
Everything's going my way.......

Until that is, I got out of the car and had to start walking. Ouch! I hobbled round the woods with my dog Bailey, sat on a wet bench and got a damp bum (I was that desperate) and hobbled back to the car. I think it's an inflamed sciatic nerve, but nothing that could wipe the smile off my face for very long. :)

On arriving home the postman brought me another little present... a most exquisite bracelet designed and made by the lovely Alison of AMIDesigns.etsy.com and my smile widened to that of a child on Christmas morning!


I fell in love with this gorgeous bracelet and bought it, even before Alison had time to list it after she previewed it on Flickr! It is absolutely dripping with dainty flowers and melons in an array of autumn shades. Every which way I turn my wrist, the light catches it and the beautiful iridescent colours change magically. I'm wearing it now, the tiny glass beads tinkling as I type. I will have to take it off before bed... or I could just stay up all night admiring it! :)

Pondering Self Esteem and Seeking Approval

Self esteem - not to be confused with self confidence and self love... although closely related, is something we all need in varying amounts in order to feel we are doing okay. It's fed by our personal achievements, but also hinges precariously on the approval of others. A reasonably high level of self esteem provides us with a feeling of accomplishment, acceptance and self worth. A low level leaves us feeling we're of little worth, and in extreme cases, unlovable; as anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship can testify.

Clearly some need more of this fodder than others in order to happily flourish. We've all met those self effacing, modest types who hate the spotlight, but are nonetheless content with their lot. But it's the self effacing ones who hog the spotlight; the ones who claim to suffer from low self esteem, yet appear to display a self love bordering on narcissism that intrigues me.

I know quite a few of these folk. They tend generally to be considered attractive, even beautiful individuals, who appear to adore showing off their physical beauty while protesting they are anything but. They are very hot on self promotion, their personal websites often displaying hundreds of self portrait photographs. Yet when questioned on this apparent contradiction, stress in elaborate detail how much they despise their appearance. But their behaviour belies their protestations. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways; dressing to be noticed, always striving for perfection in their physical appearance, often by a combination of extreme diets, grueling workouts and resorting to cosmetic surgery... yet they never seem satisfied with how they look, whilst displaying it for all the world to see.

Many, if not all the ones I know have suffered from an eating disorder. Perhaps they are deluding themselves, or maybe deep down they know they are physically attractive, because the compliments come thick and fast, when prompted... and their perpetual self promotion accompanied with self effacing put downs ensures a constant supply of reassuring compliments. They clearly need this reassurance to keep their levels high.

Self esteem is a fragile creature... starve it and it rapidly becomes emaciated... feed it and it thrives. There's no doubting we all need it, but why do some need it more than others? Is it constant over feeding that triggers an almost addiction like craving? There's no doubt beautiful people attract others, are generally successful and appear to lead charmed lives compared to the rest of us mortals who were less fortunate in the gene pool. So why do so many of these beautiful people feel unloved, insecure and lacking worth? Do they come to rely on the approval of others for their feelings of self worth?

Not that I'm suggesting for one minute that we shouldn't be generous with our compliments. I think most people would agree that praise fosters healthy growth far more than criticism ever did. It could be argued that we subconsciously expect more from beautiful people, or they themselves perceive that more is expected of them? Or is it that compliments were kept to a minimum because it was a given that they were beautiful, so deemed unnecessary... but clearly was necessary? We've all heard of the beautiful girl who was never asked out on dates because everyone assumed she must have a boyfriend.

I possess a high level of confidence, a fair degree of self love, and reasonable self esteem... but it hasn't always been the case. Abandoned by my mother as a baby, discriminated against by my childhood peers, a marriage devoid of affection and emotional support, and ultimate rejection for a younger more attractive model; knocked my confidence, my feelings of worth, my perception of my lovability, and fed my fear of abandonment.

My reserves all but depleted, I eventually recovered, fueled by a single comment from my childhood. I lived with my nan... we were very poor and living in an affluent neighbourhood, and because I was different (I was the one with no mum and dad), I had few friends. One day after being rejected once again by one of the neighbouring kids, I ran home and sobbed in my nan's arms. She took my face in her hands, looked me in the eye and said "they're only jealous because you're so beautiful". That one sentence must have planted itself deep inside me to carry me through, despite all the knock backs life had in store for me. Let me assure you, you would not consider me beautiful, not in the conventional sense, but I do believe I am beautiful.

Something similar happened to Dawn French (I could be her body double). When she was a young girl her dad asked her to come and sit down as he wanted to talk to her. He then proceeded to tell her how beautiful and special she was. All these years later, despite her weight gain and fading looks, she still radiates an inner confidence that translates into real beauty.

I'm sorry to disappoint those who were hoping for a conclusion... I don't have the answers. I am just curious why some people seem so contradictory in their behaviour and what they claim to feel about themselves.

But if you'd like to enlighten me, I'd be interested in your views.